Providing Support Options for an Adult Child With Mental Health Challenges
As parents, we want what is best for our children. Many of us would do anything to ease our children’s pain, even after they enter adulthood. Unfortunately, in our efforts to provide support, the lines between helping and enabling are blurred. So where does helping end and enabling begin?
It is possible to support and love adult children who are struggling with mental illness without enabling them, but it takes work. Things like setting boundaries, holding them accountable, and being supportive are a great place to start, but this doesn’t always come naturally. Sometimes, it’s necessary to reach out to Catalina Behavioral Health for help working through this process.
Keep reading to learn more about how to stop enabling your grown child with mental illness, and remember our caring staff are here at any time if you need additional, direct support for your loved one.
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What Are Enabling Behaviors?
Recognizing enabling behaviors is an important first step in helping an adult child with mental health issues. It’s okay to want to help, but the help should not make it easier for your child to continue with negative patterns and habits.
As you read, take a moment to reflect on your own actions and whether it is supporting behavior or enabling behavior. Avoiding enabling behavior requires self-reflection and a conscious effort to change the relationship you have with your child.
Enabling behaviors are actions that you do as a parent hoping to make your child more comfortable. They come from a place of love, but unfortunately, stop your child from developing self-reliance and encourage unhealthy family roles for you both.
Here are some examples:
- Caretaking like they are a child, even though they are grown
- Failing to set boundaries or follow through with consequences
- Keeping secrets to stop them from being held accountable for their actions
- Offering financial support without boundaries, such as paying bills or offering money
- Bailing them out, whether it’s in life or from jail
- Making excuses to explain away their behaviors
- Blaming others, rather than letting your child accept responsibility
- Shielding them from consequences by lying or hiding information
Enabling behaviors teach children that no matter what they do, you will swoop in to save the day. It makes it impossible for your child to learn self-reliance, an essential skill when living with mental illness. Enabling your child also causes them to develop codependence.
The Difference Between Enabling and Supportive Behaviors
There’s a fine line between supporting enabling behavior and supporting your adult child’s well-being. Too much assistance fosters reliance on others. When you support your child instead of enabling them, you take actions that encourage your child’s independence and autonomy.
This looks like encouraging them to take responsibility for their actions, listening without judgment, offering emotional support, and helping them seek treatment for their mental health. All these things promote overall well-being.
Strategies to Stop Enabling Adult Children with Mental Illness
Being close to someone with a mental illness requires patience. As you navigate these strategies, remember to be patient with yourself and your child. They have likely gotten used to your enabling behaviors and there may be resistance as you try something new.
Show Support with Proactive Listening
For parents who have struggled with enabling behaviors, your child might be expecting you to offer a solution when they complain about their circumstances or how challenging life is, and feeling as though they cannot function in society.
Instead of offering what might be a solution, tell them that you hear them. Say things like, “I know that must be difficult for you” or “I understand you’re struggling.”
Learn to Listen Actively
You can also practice active listening for support. This looks like offering a non-judgmental ear, hearing and being sympathetic without solving your adult child’s problem for them. You can make suggestions, but you should not be pushy or overly involved.
Educate Yourself
An important step to help you stop enabling grown children is educating yourself. After diagnosis, learn more about your child’s mental illness, whether they are struggling with bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, physical health problems, substance abuse disorder, a combination of issues, or other concerns.
Learn more about their symptoms and common behaviors associated with their condition. It can also be helpful to look up coping strategies for the condition. Support them as they learn to navigate adulthood effectively and model healthy behavior yourself.
Practice Clear Communication
When setting boundaries, offering sympathy, and interacting with your grown child, be clear with your communication. While you shouldn’t use words that assign blame, use “I statements” to effectively communicate how you are feeling.
For example, “I feel overwhelmed taking on responsibilities you are capable of managing yourself. I need to take a step back so that you can become more confident in what you can do.”
Set Clear Boundaries
After enabling children for so long, they keep asking for more until you set a clear boundary. For example, if they go out drinking with friends and need a sober ride home, it’s normal to ask occasionally.
When they call at 3 in the morning expecting a ride regularly, disrupting your sleep and making you tired for work, a boundary needs to be established. You might tell them you are only available for sober rides on the weekend.
Stand Your Ground
You may notice that your adult child’s negative reactions escalate your own emotions. It’s common for adults who struggle with codependency to play on your emotions to get you to help them.
However, if you give in, then you inadvertently reinforce negative patterns and can worsen what is often called Failure to Launch Syndrome. They’ll never learn to cope if you continue enabling them.
Encourage Autonomy and Independence
When an enabling parent stops encouraging unhealthy behavior and encourages their child to take responsibility for their choices, it forces them to step up. For example, if they live at home, encourage them to find rides to work, feed themselves, and do laundry.
Overcoming mental illness means empowering the person who is struggling. Make it so there is no option for them but to show up for themselves. When you avoid enabling behavior, it does not mean that you have to stop supporting your child completely.
Rather, it means you encourage independence and provide appropriate support that does not reinforce your child’s negative patterns.
Encourage Self-Care
Another part of dependence is practicing self-care. This includes eating well, getting enough sleep, practicing good hygiene, and doing hobbies that they enjoy. Depending on how long you’ve been enabling your grown child, they may not care for themselves as well as they should.
Practicing self-care also teaches your loved one self-compassion. They’ll learn to care about themselves and the decisions they make.
Celebrate Small Victories
Every step in the right direction is something that deserves to be celebrated. Encourage your child on their recovery journey by recognizing when they do something right.
Tell them and show them how proud you are of them for reaching out, seeking guidance, and taking the steps to better their life.
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Practice Tough Love
It might not feel easy to stick to healthy boundaries with your child, but it is necessary. Remember that it is not your job to meet every one of your adult child’s needs.
Tough love feels harsh, but that is only because it is hard to break free from old habits. Stop enabling your grown child in recovery and focus on providing direction and support instead.
Tough love looks like letting your grown child face the consequences of their actions. When you stop protecting them, it can teach problem-solving skills and valuable life lessons. Your grown child is motivated to make positive changes in their life because you are no longer their backup plan.
Watch for Signs of Relapse
When your loved one is struggling with substance use or a mental health disorder, it is a long-term condition. They’ll need ongoing support and during times of stress, there’s a chance of relapse.
When you notice similar symptoms, encourage them to seek support from their therapist or support group. Offer a sympathetic ear and remind them they are not alone.
When to Seek Professional Support
Many of the habits and behaviors we learn begin in childhood. While this does not mean people can’t change, it takes a conscious, structured effort. If you seek professional assistance for your child, it can make navigating the process of change significantly easier.
At Catalina, we use an individualized approach and evidence-based treatments lead to better treatment outcomes for grown children struggling with mental illness. Before entering our program, your loved one receives a thorough assessment to gauge their needs. This allows us to use a personalized approach, providing the right level of support and evidence-based therapies.
This support is available across all our inpatient mental health treatment and outpatient treatment programs, including at our failure to launch programs for adult children who need support to achieve their potential.
Which program will be most effective depends on your loved one’s needs. People who need a higher level of support, such as those struggling with addiction or who have severe mental health symptoms, might benefit most from the structure of an inpatient level of care.
Considering Family Therapy
Family therapy can be an important part of recovery. Open and honest conversations help heal the parent-child relationship. It’s likely that you are frustrated and overwhelmed by the demands that your child has, even as an adult. After establishing this as the norm for so long, it can be hard to establish boundaries and start to heal the relationship on your own.
During family therapy, you’ll learn how to properly offer support without enabling your grown child. It provides a safe place to talk about struggles and establish healthy boundaries. A family therapist can also recommend other resources for your young adult child.
Other Benefits of Therapy on Your Loved One’s Mental Health Journey
Often, children who are enabled by their parents become codependent adults. They are unable to self-regulate emotions and may struggle with enforcing boundaries themselves. Often, children who are unable cannot manage healthy relationships, which can cause further mental health problems.
Therapy can be an important part of promoting positive behavioral change. It offers a chance to learn healthier thinking patterns, coping mechanisms, relaxation techniques, and life skills. A therapist can also provide valuable emotional support as your loved one learns to navigate life’s challenges effectively.
While online therapy may seem more convenient, it doesn’t offer that same sense of connection as in-person sessions with qualified mental health professionals. Navigating online therapy options can also be confusing, especially when it comes to health insurance.
You don’t have to worry about that at Catalina, we accept a wide range of insurances and can assist in verifying your coverage and the costs, if any are involved, for your adult child in attending treatment.
Best Therapies for a Grown Child with Mental Illness
When you seek professional help, adult children no longer have to struggle with mental health issues alone. Some options include:
- Dialectical behavior therapy
- Cognitive behavior therapy
- Motivational enhancement therapy
- Individual therapy
The best approach is going to depend on the specific mental health disorder your loved one is struggling with and the severity of codependency. Family therapy sessions are also recommended to identify behaviors enabling your loved one and talk about appropriate support.
Life Skill Building
Enabling behavior affects a child’s emotional well-being. They don’t get the chance to practice life skills or gain confidence in their ability to succeed. Through therapy, your loved one can learn valuable life lessons, practice stress management, and develop coping skills that help them succeed.
Finding Support Groups
Peer support groups and other support services allow adult children to seek support without relying on their enabling parent or other family members.
Support groups provide a safe place to discuss struggles, celebrate wins, and practice coping skills. They help with building social relationships and self-esteem.
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Find Support for Overcoming Enabling Habits at Catalina
It’s easy to feel like it is you against your adult child when you start setting boundaries and encouraging responsibility. But you don’t have to go through this journey alone.
Supporting adult children with mental health problems is much easier when you have the guidance of an accredited facility like Catalina Behavioral Health.
As your grown child learns more skills for managing their mental illness, they’ll rely on you less. Stay hopeful that it is possible to have a loving, supportive relationship with clear boundaries in place.
Reach out to Catalina to discuss treatment options and find out how we can help you reach this better, healthier place with your adult child today.