Understanding a Partner Who Experienced Childhood Trauma
Are you married to someone with childhood trauma? Providing that person you love with the right type of support can be a challenge. If you haven’t dealt with your own childhood trauma, it may be hard to understand what they are going through and what kinds of help they need to move forward in a healthy manner.
This page will look at some of the ways you can understand and support your partner. It’s not your job to solve this problem alone. But it can make a huge difference in their life if you are able to offer genuine emotional intimacy. You can also encourage them to seek help for complex trauma from trained professionals like those at Catalina Behavioral Health.
Our team is experienced in helping individuals with complex PTSD and many other mental health challenges. Our treatment plans are always customized to the needs of the individual and are proven effective in dealing with unresolved trauma, traumatic memories, and much more. Call now for more information.
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What is Childhood Trauma?
The formal definition of childhood trauma is any trauma that occurs before the age of 18. This can include a number of different types of adverse experiences. Those may be physical or emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, substance abuse in the home, and more.
It’s common for adults with some type of childhood trauma in their past to struggle with that history. They could have complex PTSD, emotional regulation issues, relationship problems, anxiety and depression, and more. Your spouse may be dealing with some of these issues and the related symptoms that carry on later in life when that trauma goes unresolved.
Recognizing Signs of Unresolved Trauma from Childhood
Trauma isn’t always discussed. Many forms of trauma are kept secret, including things as serious as childhood sexual abuse. There are signs that someone has trauma in their past, however, including the points below.
Trust Issues
A common trauma response is to struggle to trust people moving forward in life. Even if the situation is completely unrelated to the trauma they experienced, trust still may be hard to find. Of course, in marital relationships and many other areas, an inability to trust others can be a difficult hurdle to overcome.
Strong Reactions to Rejection
Nobody likes rejection. But rejections can be even harder to handle for someone who has childhood trauma in their past. When your spouse is rejected in some way, or criticized by others, they may respond in a manner that doesn’t seem appropriate given the context. This is all part of their traumatic experiences and learning how to handle rejection properly is part of the healing process.
Emotional Regulation Problems
Managing emotions is hard when childhood trauma is still lingering somewhere in the brain. Emotional outbursts may occur from time to time, or even regularly, and it might not be immediately clear what caused the outburst. With time and therapy, it’s possible to build emotional intelligence that will be able to keep these events under control or eliminate them entirely.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Interpersonal relationships like marriages can struggle when there is a background of childhood trauma. Simple things like healthy communication just might not take place, or might be a struggle. Specifically, any conversations that need to be had around difficult topics could become a roadblock.
Always On Edge, Even in Safe Situations
It’s natural for all people to feel on edge and uncomfortable from time to time. That’s just how the world works. But someone with childhood trauma to deal with might behave that way even when the situation feels safe and secure. If your spouse is struggling to be at peace even in a safe space, professional treatment might be appropriate.
How Trauma Presents Intimacy Challenges
It’s almost unfair how childhood trauma tends to negatively affect adult relationships. Someone with trauma in their past needs healthy relationships now to help them heal, but those very relationships are hard to form and maintain. You might feel like your spouse is keeping emotional distance from you, even when you are trying your best to help.
True intimacy could be difficult because your spouse fears abandonment. Or, they might feel that they don’t deserve a stable, healthy relationship, so they do something to destroy it. However these challenges play out, they can be serious roadblocks standing in the way of a lasting and supportive relationships.
How to Support Your Spouse Productively
The good news here is that there are plenty of things you can do to support your spouse and gradually help them improve over time. Let’s look at a few of the possibilities.
Educate Yourself About Trauma
Reading this page is a great start. Learning as much as you can about the topic will help you provide support in a productive manner. Even taking the time to learn about trauma is a sign of love for your spouse.
As you educate yourself, it will become less and less likely that you’ll take things personally. You will have a better understanding of why they are behaving the way they are, and you won’t be quick to blame them for those actions. For instance, if your partner feels distant or withdrawn, you’ll be able to connect that to their past trauma and won’t be inclined to hold it against them.
Practice Not Reacting
Another meaningful step you can take is to not react when things aren’t going well for your spouse. There are bound to be triggers in the world that cause them to either lash out or shut down. It’s helpful for you to stay grounded in those moments rather than responding directly or emotionally. Work on staying centered and being the calm anchor that your spouse needs at those times. Don’t minimize what they are feeling, but also don’t fan the flames and make things worse.
Avoid Trying to Fix Them
This is a big part of helping a spouse who deals with childhood trauma. If you are constantly trying to “fix them”, it will only reinforce the feeling that something is wrong with them in the first place.
Your spouse may already have low self esteem as a result of their trauma, so trying to actively fix them will only make the situation feel worse. It’s a natural and understandable reflex, but one that needs to be resisted.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
There are some lines that can’t be crossed in a relationship, and healthy boundaries are deserved for both parties. You have the right to explain in a calm and rational way that you need to be respected, even if your partner’s behavior stems from a past of trauma. Mutual respect is essential.
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Encourage Therapy
Gently encouraging your partner to seek professional help is a wise step. This doesn’t mean making threats or trying to force them into therapy. Instead, it means having productive conversations about what therapy could help improve for the future. Let them know that you want to support their healing journey and you think seeing a therapist for treatment could go a long way.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
Don’t make the mistake of neglecting yourself while trying to tend to the needs of your partner. This can be an emotionally draining process. You might find that you are putting your emotional needs to the side regularly while caring for your spouse, and that can take a toll over time.
It’s not selfish to care for yourself in any of a number of ways. This could be through going to therapy yourself, or it could be as simple as talking to a trusted friend regularly. Make sure you are at your best so you can be there for your partner when you are needed most.
Avoid These Common Misunderstandings
Sometimes, it’s hard to relate to the experience your spouse is having. If you don’t understand how trauma works, you could make the mistake of believing one or more of the points below.
They Should Be Over It By Now
This is a common one. For someone who hasn’t gone through a traumatic experience, it can be hard to understand why something that happened so long ago can continue to have a powerful impact on daily life. If an event happened 20 or 30 years ago, shouldn’t it have been long since forgotten?
That’s not how life works, unfortunately. Trauma can remain relevant for a lifetime, especially if it isn’t properly treated. Proper treatment and therapy are important because time alone won’t necessarily lead to healing.
They’d Open Up If They Really Loved Me
If you are someone who is comfortable and secure in sharing feelings, you might think that your partner should just do the same. Wouldn’t they feel better if they just talked to you about the trauma and how it makes them feel?
Not necessarily. It’s hard for many trauma survivors to go there, even with their own spouse. This has nothing to do with love. Instead, this is about the realities of trauma and the powerful impact it can have on the mindset, self-esteem, and perceptions of the world held by its survivors.
It’s My Job to Make Them Happy
There is a fine line between supporting your partner and feeling like you have to “make” them happy. No one can force another person to be happy. You can provide meaningful support, of course, but they are going to have to do the internal work that comes with confronting trauma.
Do your best not to take on this burden. Play a supporting role, but don’t try to take the lead and force happiness where it isn’t occurring naturally.
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Get Trauma Treatment Options for Your Spouse at Catalina Today
You can be the biggest ally your spouse has in the battle against Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That doesn’t mean you need to solve it for them, but you can support their efforts to receive trauma therapy. With you in their corner, overcoming PTSD symptoms may seem possible for the first time.
Don’t let the damage from past childhood abuse or any other kind of experienced trauma continue to negatively impact the future. There is a brighter world out there waiting to be enjoyed.
Your spouse can become one of the many survivors who have successfully overcome a traumatic event to live a happy, fulfilling life. Call Catalina Behavioral Health confidentially today to talk to one of our admissions coordinators.