How to Heal Fear of Abandonment

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Overcome Abandonment Fears and Achieve Peace of Mind

You may be surprised to learn many adults worry about ending up alone. When this worry transforms into obsession and consumes how you interact with family members, romantic partners, and loved ones, it can indicate that you’re struggling with fear of abandonment. 

A fear of abandonment might look like pushing people away, determined to prove that they don’t love you. Your adult relationships might be inconsistent or have blurred boundaries. You may struggle with communication, intimacy, or trust. 

Many people who recognize these patterns in their relationships wonder how to heal fear of abandonment and if they can get to a place where healthy relationships are possible. Use this guide for strategies on overcoming abandonment issues, so that you can establish healthy relationships and finally experience peace of mind. 

Reach out to Catalina for more resources on mental health or if you decide professional treatment could help you or your loved one heal in a safe and supportive environment. 

Identifying Abandonment Issues

Not everyone experiences abandonment issues the same way. Some people settle for unhealthy relationships where their needs are not prioritized. Others struggle to trust, feel emotionally unstable, or self-sabotage at the first sign of perceived abandonment. Many of these issues come from a fear of being left or rejected. 

As you learn what to look for, you can trace the root cause of abandonment issues to traumatic experiences in life. The good news is that with proper treatment, healing from even extreme fear of abandonment is possible. You can shift your attachment perspective and have meaningful, healthy adult relationships. 

Separation Anxiety Disorder vs. Anxious Attachment

Separation anxiety and anxious attachment disorder are similar, though separation anxiety stems from worries of being separated from an “attachment figure.” It’s most common in young children and when it happens during infancy, it’s a positive sign of healthy bonds. Adults can also struggle with separation anxiety. 

Anxious attachment patterns can be found through many relationships, not just a single attachment figure. Some people crave closeness and reassurance, while others struggle to be intimate or vulnerable. Anxious attachment is most likely to be caused by early relationships with parents or caregivers. 

Knowing Your Attachment Style

Recognizing behavior patterns is important for knowing how fear of abandonment affects your interpersonal relationships. Here’s a look at the different insecure attachment styles. 

Secure Attachment

This describes the healthiest attachment style. People with secure attachments are comfortable communicating needs, feel confident in themselves, and have independence. They trust their partner to support them when they need it and do not have intimacy issues. 

Disorganized Attachment

If you had a primary caregiver or parent who was inconsistent in affection and support, it can cause disorganized attachment. You may act unpredictably and inconsistently in relationships. Some days you may crave closeness and others independence. 

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment styles crave independence but still worry about being rejected or abandoned. For people who are fearful-avoidant, you might want independence white craving closeness. If you are dismissive-avoidant, you may be uncomfortable with any type of vulnerability or closeness, preferring to be alone. 

Anxious (Insecure) Attachment

Insecure attachment comes from fears that you will be abandoned or that someone doesn’t truly love you. You might not be confident in yourself. In relationships, trust and intimacy are common issues. 

Reflecting on Past Experiences

It’s not uncommon for past experiences or childhood relationships to mirror your current relationships and abandonment issues. When parents are inconsistent, emotionally or physically abandon you, or neglect you, it causes issues like these. 

Some people also develop rejection sensitivity or intense fear of emotional or physical abandonment following adulthood relationships.

For example, if you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist or experience intimate partner violence, it can lead to issues in future relationships. 

Considering Current Relationships

If you are wondering how can a fear of abandonment harm your relationships, it’s likely you’ve already noticed certain patterns. For example, instead of turning to your partner for support when experiencing emotional distress, you may isolate. 

Pushing your partner away creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Since you assume they will abandon you, you isolate and create physical and emotional distance. While you created the reality, in your mind, it happened because your partner doesn’t really love you. 

When to Seek Professional Help for Abandonment Anxiety

Abandonment fears are typically learned in early childhood. It is possible to heal without professional help, but it requires a lot of self-reflection and diving into patterns you might not be familiar with. 

Working with a professional benefits you in identifying triggers, responding to them better, and taking actionable steps toward a healthier you. It’s easier to put in the deep personal work and practice self-love with a little guidance. 

Fear of Abandonment and Co-Occurring Mental Health Conditions

Abandonment issues might accompany co-existing mental health problems like anxiety disorders, depression, borderline personality disorder, mood disorders, eating disorders, or post-traumatic stress disorder. If you use drugs or alcohol to mask feelings, there’s also a risk of co-occurring substance use disorder. 

These conditions can develop separately from fear of abandonment because they share risk factors. For example, severe neglect in early childhood may cause borderline personality disorder, abandonment issues, and food problems. 

If you are struggling with co-occurring disorders, dual-diagnosis treatment offers the best outcome for lasting recovery. Catalina Behavioral Health in Tucson, AZ offers dual diagnosis across all inpatient and outpatient programs. 

Finding a Support Group

Statistics on how many adults and teens struggle with fear of abandonment vary, but you are not alone. Many people struggling with fear of abandonment benefit from support groups for this condition.

Reach out to a provider like our center for more information on group counseling sessions and resources in your local area. 

Considering Couples Therapy

Even when your partner wants to help, it isn’t always easy navigating fear of abandonment. Instead, consider a couples therapist. They’ll provide a safe place to work through issues, establish consistency and trust, and discuss healthy relationship boundaries. 

Strategies for Healing from Abandonment Fears

Insecure attachment styles do not develop overnight. It takes time to change your thinking, set healthy boundaries, and heal from the fear of abandonment. These strategies can help get you on the right track. 

Practice Self-Compassion

Do you ever feel like you put your partner’s needs before your own? This is another behavior pattern that commonly accompanies fear of abandonment. When you do this, however, it’s hard to prioritize yourself and practice self-love that is important for healthy relationships. 

Be aware of your thoughts. Instead of being critical of yourself, use self-compassion and positive self-talk. Replace harmful thoughts with something more positive and focus on what you are doing right instead of tearing yourself down. 

When you find yourself judging yourself harshly, imagine for a moment you are one of your closest friends. Would you judge that same friend as harshly as you are yourself or would you show compassion?

Do Things You Enjoy

Abandonment issues sometimes come from a lack of confidence or self-esteem. When you practice self-care, you’re showing your inner child that you matter. On the opposite side, failing to take care of yourself is a form of self-abandonment that can worsen health. 

Self-care is an act of self-love. Have a routine that you can do in the morning, such as practicing gratitude or positive affirmations while you wash your face and brush your teeth. 

Finding hobbies, spending time in nature, and being with close friends also fosters self-discovery. As you learn what you enjoy, make time for those things! A hobby like art, physical activity, music, or other skills can also help with low self-esteem and developing confidence. 

Learn What Triggers You 

Triggers can feel like racing thoughts, high blood pressure, a weight on your chest, and intense mood swings. You may think irrationally or panic, questioning whether your partner really loves you or if you’ll be abandoned like you have been in the past. These feelings can lead to self-sabotage and damage to the relationship before you even give your partner a chance to respond. 

As you identify situations and other triggers that make you feel threatened or like you are experiencing emotional abandonment, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of what hurts you. 

Recognizing triggers should be looked at as an opportunity to discuss what is helpful and unhelpful in these moments with your partner. As they learn how to support you better, together you can work on overcoming abandonment issues that are causing turbulence in your lives. 

You should feel comfortable sharing triggers with your partner. However, keep in mind they should not be walking on eggshells trying to avoid triggering you. It should be a tool for open communication instead. Working through triggers and your reactions with the guidance of a mental health professional has a lot of benefits.

Find Healthy Coping Mechanisms 

Once you know what triggers you, you’ll have to decide how to manage the emotional turbulence that accompanies feelings of abandonment. Relaxation techniques like mindfulness and deep breathing or distraction can be helpful. 

Many people struggling with an anxious attachment style also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). During CBT, you’ll work with a mental health professional and explore how certain emotions trigger your thoughts and actions. Once you understand this relationship, you’ll learn skills for stopping these negative thoughts and getting in front of triggers before you explode. 

Guidelines for Healthy Close Relationships as an Adult

People who struggle with avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, and fear of abandonment often struggle in intimate relationships. You might feel a desire to constantly be around or in contact with your partner, making them feel smothered. Or, you might feel detached from them, afraid to get close because you don’t want to get hurt. 

No matter the dynamic, until you heal abandonment anxiety, many relationships in adulthood will be unhealthy. Use these strategies to encourage secure attachment, a healthy relationship dynamic with a foundation of proper communication, trust, and healthy boundaries. 

Be Yourself

Have you ever considered how your relationship with yourself affects how you feel? A lack of confidence of self-esteem makes you unsure of who you are. Instead of focusing on self-discovery, it’s easy to get wrapped up in what your partner wants and mirror that personality. 

Unfortunately, this creates an unattainable standard and adds stress to your life. It also reinforces that little voice in your head that tells you that your partner may not love you “if they knew who you really were”. 

This authenticity usually comes from a fear of being rejected. When you accept the risk of rejection and be who you truly are, you trust that the people who are supposed to love you will embrace your authentic self. 

At the same time, remember that the people around you do not determine your worth. You are valuable simply because you are you. 

Another benefit of being authentic in who you are is that you can change. If you have traits (like trust issues) that you’d like to change, you alone have the power. Be the person that you love and allow this to attract fulfilling connections to your life. 

Practice Open Communication

Many people who struggle with abandonment anxiety also struggle with developing meaningful connections. You might feel that your needs are not met because you are so attuned to what your partner needs. Or, you may not feel safe or comfortable being vulnerable. This is common when primary caregivers didn’t offer space for your emotions during childhood or when they were inconsistently supportive. 

Realistically, even when we are communicating, people won’t always respond how we need them to. Part of communication is being open about needs with your partner. If you need reassurance sometimes, ask for it instead of making accusations that “they don’t love you”. 

Work to Develop Trust

Trust does not come easily for someone with a fear of abandonment. Trust comes from feeling secure and knowing what to expect. Encourage your partner to communicate, even when the conversation isn’t easy. 

Consistency also helps with trust. When there are standards for what you can expect in a relationship, you’ll find stability. 

Set Healthy Boundaries

As you start to build healthy relationships, it’s also important to have boundaries. What are your needs? Do you crave reassurance or quality one-on-one time with your partner? Make a short list and communicate what you need and how your partner can help. 

With this in mind, your partner may also have boundaries they need met. It’s important not to neglect their needs. 

For example, even though they might help heal abandonment issues through loving you properly, they are not responsible for your emotional needs. They should be willing to help with triggers but they shouldn’t have to tolerate emotional abuse because of them. 

Start to Heal from Abandonment Issues at Catalina

Attachment theory tells us that the relationships we form in early childhood play a big role in the relationships we form as adults. When emotional neglect or abandonment trauma stems from childhood, healing your inner child is the only way to have healthy and fulfilling adult relationships. 

The healing journey from abandonment issues can be turbulent, lonely, and confusing – but you don’t have to do the work alone.

Call Catalina Behavioral Health for more information on treatment options and how you can start healing today. 

References

1. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship 
2. https://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm